fucked-up...as usual

I texted him. crap. Couldn't help it. I miss the guy so damn much. I wanna talk to chris again. I texted him, no reply. I dreamt a lot but can't remember anything..yet. I feel like crap. I sent a message to my "twin" in manila, bkai. I asked for help. I'm ok if i don't think about him and when I do, I'm the saddest person in the world. I dunno how I'm gonna make him believe that I can stand on my own. I just don't want to stand without him, it's fucking different. I told him i needed him coz I love him. I wish he'd just appear and say his sorry's. he hurt me. ANd I don't think the reasons he told me were enough to throw away our relationship. crap. I hate him and I love him. Why'd he have to go? fuck. I'm judging today at Center for International Education, gonna judge a futuristic dance and jingle contest. fuck. I can't do that feeling like this. I'm fucked up...as usual. Randy didn't give me his number...yet? I dunno. Fuck, screw randy, I want James back! fuck. shit crap. I sent james the "singing desperate" poem, gonna post it agin. There ain't gonna be new poems til James and I are back together or til I know the real reasons and when it's fucking clear and obvious.. Peace out.