Breakdown, Cowardice, Worth, Randy, James, Chris John...

I am in total disarray. My head is turning like some top on rough cement. I don't know which things to think about or who to think about. Randy and my being drawn to him. James and being hurt. Chris and being with him. vera dared me to come up to him(Randy), I managed to get near Randy but I couldn't do it, to much stuff going on in my head to focus. I watched him memorize his lines, He was so beautiful. I wanted to talk to chris, I needed someone to fall on, I am so fucked up right now, chris' voice was tempting, I wanted to crash on him but vera thinks it's a bad idea..I cannot depend on people too much. James...I miss him...I hate him...I'm angry at him...he hurt me. Vera and yen are at surf and play...chai is outside smoking...liyo's practicing for his play. I just texted randy...told him he's beautiful. He is.