wretched days...hours...minutes. fuck. It was nikki, the anonymous comment mouth. SHOuld I explain myself? no. I did not know it was her. And now she calls me a faggot. It's true but from her, from a "friend" and in a context that's not actually great, it sucks. I said fuck you to the anonymous comment mouth not to nikki, fuck it, I cannot forgive her for this.
James and I talked last night. fought and talked. I'm messed up and fucked up. Who the hell does he think he is. He read my blog, told me i was petty and sad, so what? And what is he? Hilas, selfish... crap. He thinks this blog is a way for me to destroy him...this is my journal, what the hell does he expect me to say? And looking at the situation, fuck him, fuck james.
we won't be communicating for a month or two, his idea, his grand idea. what the hell are we supposed to return to after that? fuck. He's gonna read this again and tell me I'm petty and sad. fuck him, fuck what he thinks, he doesn't care what I think, what I say, and he doesn't believe in anything I intend to do. fuck him. I did all I could, and it doesn't matter. fuck him. I'm still angry obviously. if everything good about us has been overshadowed by recent fuck ups for him then everything he's said to me has erased nay exterminated, obliterated all my trust and respect for him. GOd, the hurt that feels like fucking hell, he said sorry, fuck his sorry. I can't accept it just yet. I'm angry. I'm fucked up. I'm hurt. Fuck.
I cannot see any beauty in me lately. My ka-brews friends told me I haven't grown as a person. Sure, james has told me a million times how beautiful I am, fuck, and tails it with all the things he said, how the hell am i supposed to believe that. I'm devastated. I cannot live like this. I can't. I cannot not grow! but somehow I refuse to agree. When I'm facing all reality by myself without the aid of escapism or pretend, and seeing myself alive is a breakthrough for me. But then again, for now, it's too much. I cannot go out and be myself just yet. I have to retreat. I have to calm my being.
Viva excon, finals exemptions, poem on paper,these don't even matter anymore, I'm too fucked up to be happy bout these.
I need to disappear. I need to kill myself.
