Sleep Apnea

I texted chris yesterday after my blog episode, no replies. I'm starting to think that I'm scaring people. I went straight home, oblivious, dead. HOme. Slept in my room, for the first time...in the afternoon. dreamt. faces...james...places...names......sex.....murk..........blur......I woke up and felt a strange balance in my system. I looked with my eyes, the rest of my body unmoving and smiled at my room of gloom. I 'm home.This is my home . This will be my home. my tomb. My resting place. I will hide here. good. cool. Went down, I was so hungry, saw spaghetti and in seconds saw no more spaghetti. Watched tv. Laughed at Finch and Nina and Elliot and Maya and Will and Grace and jack and karen. Watched survivor(hehe). Somewhere in the middle of all this, I sank. Took my phone, played with it....randy...I should think of something to text him, my system get's a bit of a jolt and I am focused on one thing...texting randy :Silence in my stare at your melancholic flair, care as I dare to share your air of smoke and noiseless tumult. Shun Silences, break muteness. Talk, walk and be witness to sweetness. Dare care. Share and brave weakness.....that was my text. I did not care wether he replied or not or wether he even read it or not. NOt a lot of words came out of my mouth yesterday... brooding? SAw the vh1 special on marilyn manson...reminded me again of james. They thought similar. but marilyn lost himself to one half. HE knew balance but he stuck onto darkness. too much. no balnce anymore.I cried out to God, one word. help. Slept late , half of my body elevated so i won't get nightmares where I can't move and eventually die. Fresh wounds still bother me but I'm sober now. I can smell the crusted blood, feel the air on my flesh, fresh. I blanked most of the time in my class today. James. I couldn't help but rest my head on the arm of my chair. sadness. Nobody seems to have noticed my poem was on the paper...for some reason I like it...It's like I disappeared already. My mom irritates me with her constant questions without end. I want to talk but i don't a lot of people to talk. Silence. A smile on my face every once in a while. freedom? no. rest. that's what it is. I rested and found rest. feet rustling my sheets. dreams. fishes. wings on wishes. send me home. let me be. I sleep in my room, hide from the sun. the rest is for all Godhood, teach me how to fly and catch me. dream. dance. fly. sing. walk. run. swim. go. disappear.die.rest.peace and love