Russ is here. He hasn't drunk anything since Sir karl and Sir javy's opening, anything that contains alcohol. I wish to write angry words and shouting sentences but I cannot and choose not to. Today I will speak of anything but anger and bitterness. I will however speak the truth. I cannot write anymore thinking that my words will lie entombed in this parchment of net space but I write with the conscious thought that people will read this, people who are most sensitive to what my thoughts command my hands to write. I dread this looming whatever, this silence the bat emits. he wondered what would happen when we began this "deal". I say now- Nothing, nothing is happening and nothing has happened and as much as he said he wanted to be in my life, he is not. Where is he? Nowhere, unseen, unheard from, unfelt. this vagueness is nothing more but a shadow of what once was, as much as i want to bring some semblance of it in the now. I choose not to read the accounts of his days, I wish to hear what he has to say, not what he writes in some open journal the likes of this for all to read. I wish him and his family wellness.
Words like "bootycall" fly around my head, my hair. Is this what we are to each other? I do not know. I do not know anything. This abstract cannot be defined more than one cannot define love.
I read, read, listen, talk, read, create, sing, dance in my solitude. A forgotten habit i have begun to appreciate and I wish not to stop. But with it my soul longs still. Like what the man in the recording keeps saying as I play the cd over and over again: "My soul is not satisfied that i have lost you."
for i have. in one way or another.
A distant love calls upon me through this little but expensive piece of technology. a love I keep deep in the quiet and still innocent secret recesses of my soul and a love I do not wish to mire with descriptions or written words or accounts of it in a space littered by the arrogance and greivances of its passersby. A space spoiled by the defence of its author. A space threatened of its sovereignty. a space who's integrity is being attacked.
I dare not write as rashly as I have to give a piece of peace in this space. I shall give it some time of quietness.
May all look upon the skies and think of the greater unknown and thank him for dear life.
peace and love.
