I woke up and it was raining, I laughed, the parade for the Maharlika Artists and Writers Festival was today, not good for japamana, or japz..when you shorten it, you don't get the sanskrit feel of the name, what comes to mind is hap-japs, as in japanese. So I texted my ka-brews friends and some upstage members to join the thing. Only Liyo, Yen, and Harvey came...Chai caught up. There were too little people in the parade. It was disappointing, exhausting and the sun was killing my skin. I didn't like it. After the "program" at Plaza Independencia, we went to Ananda Marga Yoga Center. Before that I met this indonesian missionary. I was excited to finally visit the center and maybe learn more and have a religion again. Nope. Dada was there, the one James got his yoga positions from. We went up the meditation center, it was hot up there. Liyo, Chai,and I made use of the mirror and started looking at dance poses and did some stunts we could use for "KUNWARI". then dada came and said we were gonna do some meditation. We went there for lunch. i was supposed to have class at one...but lunch was served at one. So there. dada told us what to do. they started singing "baba nam kewalam"... Liyo joined in. chai and I remained sitting down watching them. I didn't close my eyes, dada told me to close them..i wanted to but my body refused. I felt it was too limiting an exercise. You could only dance a step. i wanted to fly. You could only say the same thing...that was ok...but again, I felt limited. i tried to think about the same thing over and over again...no. the place...vomited me. I didn't feel welcome. I don't belong there. Chai asked me to go down with her to drink water. We did. Drank some water and talked about the thing. The music was sad. I told chai my sentiments. She felt the same. I didn't belong there. the place, the smell, the food, the people...no...it wasn't russ-friendly. for the first time in my life...
i felt this overwhelming spiritual loneliness....it was nothing about my heart, my mind, my body, or anything else...it was about my spirit. and it felt lonely. my spirit felt alone and it was like out to me....give me a place...
I cried...right there with chai, chai gave me her embrace....I cried.
The people around me didn't matter..I cried. No, my spirit cried.
I so wanted to go home and just dance and feel free...this isn't my thing...I wanted to shout out to God and dance to him and feel the wind and eat delicious food and drink something fruity and cold....i wanted to eat meat...I wanted to shower.....I wanted hug somebody..i wanted to be hugged....I wanted to be free.
They served vegetarian food, i ate the brown rice and some vegetables. I only ate like 20 percent of the vegetables and all of the rice. I couldn't take the eggplant. i needed flavor. the food was boring and needed some spice into it. i realized these people don't drink.i missed beer. i wanted to get out of that place...
So we did. I didn't say goodbye to the indonesian guy.
i am not going back there.
