I was supposed to write that title for my last post...But I find myself back here...hiding from the rain I caused...not really...I don't know. nobody believes me. Not even my story about the three-foot toad. Coincidence that happens a lot. It's been raining for two days. And I feel like a rotten tomato. everything I wrote below starting from the blog with the "we're ok" is nothing more than my foolish heart and my stupid head talking, that is so because I thought wrongly. Wa nasad mi nagkasinabot. And so dark days come, and my room is nothing more than a hole. I feel nothing in my hands. Yesterday, we finally started rehearsing for KUNWARI, I thought I would die. The road was tempting,I wanted to run to the middle of it and be run over. I was wet and bringing my heavy cd player to Janelle's place. I was hungry. I didn't have money. I wish I could text someone, tell him I'm about to die, or call him and he'll sing for me, or have him come over and just be there.No, all that is gone. I wish I could text my distant lover but wala koy load. I felt so weak and sleepy. I wished I were dead. Christmas lights have begun sparkling all over the city, when everyone finally feels hope again, I get despair and desolation. I am dead. How can I dance with this ill frame? How can I create when allI can see within is destruction and loss?
I am tired.Too tired.My face shows it. My speech shows it. I'm dead or dyingor too tired....I am disabled.
I wish to die in my last performance. mindworks. that's it.
