today, rather tonight, I went to the bathroom for of course, a bath. But as usual, i'd sit on the toilet first. thoughts thoughts and then for some reason I started talking to God about the born again experience. I cried, yet again. tearjerky Russ.
That was actually the first time I talked to God about that like that. the truth. I felt better.
i looked in the mirror and realized I don't look so bad. Took a bath. Realized I looked good. My narcissism came back in just seconds. I looked in the mirror in my room, full view, realized I am quite short, but my face is nice to look at.
I wrote down the descriptions of Tom Ripley from the Title scene, as far as I can remember, these are the words; confused, sensitive, troubled, haunted, musical, lonely, gifted, talented.
It's freaky to realize that, except for musical, I'v described myself or people have described me with those words, I mean all of them, and I'll be damned if I don't consider myself musical, I just never really used that word to describe myself. So there, I'm like Tom Ripley, be scared, be very scared. Well, I'm very much scared of prison and being robbed of my freedom, so I'm not really the killing, murdering, forging type.
I sang Christmas songs in the bathroom too, it was different though, this time I felt it.
I wrote a poem for James as my Christmas gift, I was supposed to draw him naked but I couldn't. I couldn't. I tried so hard but I don't know, it's like I was in some kind of a spell. I decided to write. I wrote and the words flowed like the nile. I felt better afterwards too. I felt like, the truth went out. I can say it was the most honest poem I've ever made. With metaphors so exact. I don't know about the technicalities though, but I don't care. I think it was beautfiul. I felt better afterwards like I said, so that's plus. It means, it really came from inside, it was a release, it was real. it was good.
I was texting J. I don't know but I think he's hiding from me his health condition. He said something about needing a liver earlier, i asked him properly about what was wrong with him but all he said were things about his eyes, his arms, his back, and his penis. I was worried, I am worried. For some reason, I wondered "would I ever give part of my liver to anyone, to J? instinctively, My head said yes, then I thought about what my mom would say. I could see her eyes do their thing, I could hear her say "let somebody else give him a liver, I'm sure there are other people " or "doesn't he have relatives?" or ""do you even match in blood type?" Haha. it's funny. But I would. I would give my liver to someone I know who needs it, part of it. But to anyone, anyone in the street, any person, i wouldn't.
Tomorrow, I'm delivering my Christmas gift to James at his place sa Apas. i feel good now, i don't know about tomorrow. I hope i'll still feel good though.
i felt responsible for Chad today. We were left alone in the house. He's affected by his mom's late arrival everyday. I told him his mom was preparing for Christmas, buying gifts, food and stuff. I waited with him at the foyer(hehe). He ate dinner there just so he'll see his mom the moment she comes home. I ate with him there. I made him take a bath earlier today, surprisingly, I didn't have to threaten him to make him do it. I showed him how to make the oil lamps made of matchsticks and cotton and cooking oil. I talked to him about mage knight no matter how fucking bored and sick I was talking and hearing about it. I told him he could watch any video even if it was "Land before Time" 7 or 5. I even said I'd play mage knight with him which, for me, is one of the most boring games ever. I like the figures though, like little sculptures, good for decoration, and just for the heck of having a one-inch or two replica of a centaur shaman, or an orc, or a mage oak, or a horned stalker, a rock griffin, a living elemntal, trolls, elves, draconums, oak warriors, pain wraiths(my favorite) and so on and so forth. I felt for Chad today, that's it. I knew how he felt, how that felt. waiting.
The genius of my brain failed me when I couldn't think of a single gift idea for anyone. Larry wanted to meet me so he can give me my gift. Then I remembered I completely forgot about gifts, in fact, I never did do anything "Christmas" lately except for some required stuff or in school parties. Now, I've nothing to give anyone except james and J. I gave J my harmonica. There, only two people got gifts from me this Christmas. that's a record. I used to be Santa Claus since elementary, I'd bring my big plastic bag loaded with gifts and give and feel bad after coz i forgot some people. Weird.
My pa told me to stop acting like a child. I'd rather be a child. I'd rather be that plastic bag -bringing santa claus wasting money on gifts and being happy to be happy and to be making people happy. He probably meant responsiblity and stuff.
this blog is getting too long and for the first time in readRUSS blog history, I'm greeting all of you a Merry Christmas! what the heck, i only get this mood in a span of hours. Peace and Love.
I hope this mood will keep up til tomorrow, I am still fucking nervous. Jude Law is fucking sexy.
