Mindworks was an experience. The only happinness i felt there was when I burst balloons in the soccer field... in the rain.
performance night:
I was naked. in front of an audience. that was an experience.
I buried myself...the glass broke...I wish I had stayed there. I wished I could stay there with my last words said on the phone.
I tried to kill myself in a performance. It wasn't a performance...Liyo was saying "Oh God, Oh God". the moment I felt his opposition I wanted to do it. I wanted to. it wasn't an act. And when I couldn't find the knife anymore, I cried without tears. Then I saw the crowd and realized I was in a performance again. stabbed liyo, that was a performance.
I realized I wanted to kill myself, really kill myself. that makes me suicidal.
Overwhelming pain and sadness came to me after all the performances. got harrassed. i wanted to kill them. I won twice, both second prizes, in the street paintng and the installations. It didn't fucking matter.
And I hate myself for it.
I went back to the burial site.
He came.
He talked.
I was looking for the frog.
I couldn't find it.
I needed to find the frog.
I needed to see it.
I need it.
I scoured the soil until I cut myself with the broken glass.
Still.
He was just there.
He couldn't do a thing.
He wouldn't do a thing.
I cried after he left.
I cried on chai, people were passing by.
the sadness hit me finally.
I cried.
I texted.
I ate.
I drank until I vomited.
Until I lost balance.
I woke up with a headache.
I had to go to practice.
fuck.
I did anyway.
I hurt my big toe. Now I'm limping.
after the day, I went home and slept without eating.
I wake up. My father wanted me to go to church.
I went downstairs. My body was aching all over.
colds. cough. I felt really bad.
Went to church.
No chairs.
Went out. To national bookstore. Stared at the building on the other side. looked for a grey pick-up.
shifted to jollibee...looked for a face.
Back to the church building.
sat on the floor leaning against the wall.
waited, hungry, sick, tired.
This is nothing, I need not worry...it's just despair.
