I feel like i'm in a movie or something, the guy who's stuck with a ghost...but unlike most movies, there is no happy ending for me. I have been plagued by thoughts of him the past week. For a moment there I thought I was ok. but he haunts me in the most unexpected moments, even at time when I am really enjoying myself. Shit. I remember at Tequila Joe's, drinking with my friends and jay, I remember wanting to go out, so excited, to dance and just have fun. Liyo tells me he was at the exhibit opening. he asked how i was, "the way klaro nga amigo". I don't know why he does that. Like it 'll sort've unburden him if i was ok. Like he's off the hook or something. I miss him, I do, but I can't go on feeling like crap when he's there flying carefree. I have to give myself some sense of worth. I cannot be his friend. Not til I can truly smile and be myself when he's there, when that time comes, I'll talk to him as much as I can coz by God, I miss talking to someone who can really relate. I'm sick of people who just don't get me or my point. It's exhausting, that is why I'm leaning towards opting to be alone again, socially alone. Nobody just seems to get it. I text Bobi, he's the only person I'm really talking to. My friends Liyo Vera Chai and yen are probably sick of hearing the same things from me. I don't hate James, I wish I could make him feel good when I'm there, be happy for me and shit, but it's just not happening. and Hey, if he's not superman, if he's just the Bat...I'm just freaking Boy wonder. a circus boy, an orphan, alone, and poor unlike Bruce Wayne. Hey, it kinda makes sense. anyway, I had an accident with jay's phone. Jay<> like a brother whom I have sex with.hehehe. Anyway, I can't burden him as much too, like everyone else, he has his own life and what happened with the phone was this: we were fooling around and for some demonic reason, i started trying to make him feel jealous by texting James and reading it aloud, I made it even more realistic by typing his number and saying it out loud too, like I was really gonna send the message. Jay got scared and grabbed the phone and voila! the message was sent. shit. Now jay hates me for bringing him into this. and I just threw away what was left of how James saw me.shit. It was supposed to be a funny thing...crap.
anyway, have to go, in the Lab again so i got limited time.
