Existential dread, Nausea, and a waltz by Julie Delpy.

Long short days, the world is a mad scientist and I am a guinea pig...with red hair. From my room, I see the other house and the canopy of a tamarind tree. I play Delpy's "a waltz for a night" in my celphone and play it again and again until I pick up the guitar and start playing it myself. I sleep right after the latest filipino franchise of a famous reality show. It has become the reason for my nights, to watch it, to get my smiles, laughs, controversy,..life. Eating has become an unusual activity, I like it and then I don't. Or maybe I just need it, eating I mean. My phone, a piece of technology out to get me with my expectation, tis where I find myself trampled upon by people telling me where to go, what to do, what to think, and what to feel. What am I supposed to...what? It's not anything but it's supposed to be what I should be whatever-ing.I went to Catholic mass yesterday, I had no prayer. I stayed there for two masses. I thought I would clean my room yesterday, thinking that it might change my view. I hope so. I need something these days, I am more than off. I think something or someone has stolen the thump of my heart, the lightning in my brain or the tingle on my skin. That would mean then that I feel dead right? Would it be so bad then to accept such a reality? Christians except few would read this and say "kalu-oy ni russ, ni backslide man gud..." The hell with them...hehe, that's a funny thing to say...for a non-Christian. Have I lost my respect for such beings? I don't know. My answer is not as concrete as my material reality. I was heading for home but decided to get in this cafe and do whatever..blog, check mail, explore deviant account... The theme song of the famous reality show is now playing inside the cafe. That song has a light feeling to it. I wish I had more peaceful silence, more joyful noise. What has flown away? What has been depleted? What have I given up that threatens to steal away the very nucleus of my primordial actions? I would have to find out. I would have to meet myself again. Maybe I have let go of everything, I let go of my need for J, my want for James, my faith in my friends, my hope for my family, my respect for my classmates, my love for school/art...blahblahblah. I'm getting too much of myself. I want nausea. I want to look at a rock and feel nauseous. I want to feel a person and vomit. I want to sing and see myself above the clouds. I want to dance and find myself in a home made of me. I want to exist and die with a smile. I want nausea. I want my dread phase done. I want to dissolve into life. I do not want to be an alien. I'm sorry.