That's a confession I have to make. I find this space(readruss) too public. I know it's funny but I don't want a lot of fuss about me anymore...and this page brings back a lot of memories, mostly bad ones. this was created shortly before James and I broke up, that's the main handicap, also, here I fond myself totally out of control and immature and more....childish, dumb,fuck-up. And I don't want that anymore. I respect my past but still it is past. It doesn't make sense, I dunno. I just want peace from that.
peace...
I woke up and lighted some incense and cleansed myself from the nihgt's dreams. I prayed that today will be good for everyone. I'm supposed to be at my nstp session but I seem to be misinformed, nobody's at school. So I'm here, why do I keep doing this to myself? I think I'm Panicking. Liyo and I talked over food yesterday and we ended up reminiscing our times with our ex's. He was officially single yesterday. I realized I could talk about everything James and I went through but still nothing's gonna happen. It is only a memory, that's all. So I'm sad again, peaceful but sad. No fighting, no anger, a lot of sadness. although yesterday afternoon, I felt especially bubbly and yes, elated for absolutely no reason at all. last night was the third night I felt empty. Last night I watched "almost a woman" , a puerto rican film about what else? a puerto rican woman. Now I feel like the teacher character in the movie was God saying "YOU CAN DO IT". So yes, this time I can deal with gracefully, like a swan...that's too girly...more like a bengal tiger hunting in the indian forests. I'm not hunting though. more like finding my way home at night. I will handle this gracefully this time, last time james left I panicked. I think that was all, I decided to panic, take note: decided. I don't know what gave me that idea. Nevertheless, what remained remains. and that is love. I can honestly say I don't think I can love again like I loved him. I let him in too deep, and now his spirit can't find his way out of my heart. Kelly clarkson, please sing me something inspirational...hehe.
hew...
I feel a bit better. will post a pic of james and I...from last year...back when my hopes were at an apex. peace everyone. Let love, wisdom and compassion guide us all.
