We woke up at three then we rode the 4 o'clock bus. I got off at the port then rode a van home. I feel groggy, disoriented, and out of words. The first departure is done. Now, the real drama will begin. I would have to face the biggest demon that is myself, no more people to cower in from the dark quiet. I remember I told J one day "...but we have to grow up..."
Vera said I've changed in my reactions to certain situations in my life. I've mellowed down. Maybe I'm just used to all the shit happening around me. Am getting I numb?
I suddenly remember the time when I threatened James I would get rid of all the stuff that reminded me of him...or us... only the porn is missing. His painting hangs on my bedroom wall and everything else is kept...mint...at least from where it came from, that is, the transparent grave installation.
I will put red soldiers on all the empty spaces surrounding the crouching figure in my latest painting. I don't know what it means but I know it carries a very heavy and deep subconscious purpose for being there.
I will try to stay calm now. James texted out of nowhere. I stayed with Pat while she painted. I saved J's last three text messages since he left. I need to eat. I need to get rid of this phlegm and this barking and snorting. I need to take my vitamins. I need to sleep. I'm gonna start thinking about growing up now.
