February 06, 2006
Warlah Mode
Whoa. So let me tell bout a brain that's shaking in it's skeletal tank. I don't know how to think or feel really. this leaving thing is getting to my bones faster than i expected. I would tell James I love him. What would that matter? nothing. I would invite him to lovapalooza. hehehe One of those "heroes just for one day thing". I would want that. I love this guy too much.
Posted: 12:50 AM
January 24, 2006
How are ya?
I just realized nobody's asked me that in while, at least asked me first.
If I was asked though, I would say I'm ok.
What if I was asked about my body parts?
How's your brain? working
Your heart? beating and sad as usual.
Your stomach? happy and full.
Your muscular system? "we want protein! we want exercise!"
Your lungs? bored
Your butt? "got dick?"
Your dick? "anyone?"
Your feet? "please wear shoes paminsan-minsan"
Your toes? ok
That's enough. Good day random person.
Posted: 9:43 PM
January 20, 2006
Finally
My photos are in their proper galleries...
I wrote on my blog... please refer to readruss.blogspot.com
this will be a phlog na gyud. We have internet and a pc at home!!!!!
Posted: 7:39 PM
January 17, 2006
hew....
God I miss that guy.
I don't have new pictures. Bought two rolls of film but I'm not even done with one yet...I wanted to take pictures and now that I can I'm not taking them.
well. the day's getting closer... I don't even wanna think about it. and what does it matter, what do I matter in this thing. I am merely an ex. I'm not even sure if we are friends and my friends see me sending him to the airport which I don't mind but that's far from reality. What am I doing? I'm not doing anything. I can't do anything. I thought my bad karma was over. I said that to liyo again yesterday. It's been months since I last said that to james. But there you go, I thought I was in the brighter end of the tunnel. but it just goes on and on and on and on and on. Give me one day. An hour. And I would be ok with that. I don't know what that would be for but that's one of the very few things I'm absolutely sure of. I wanna be with him. nobody else...well there's that guy from the bench ad.other than that, that's it. period.
maybe it's just the rain.
Posted: 10:50 PM
January 10, 2006
James day today
So I woke up from a dream about him. I don't really rememebr what the dream was but I know he ws there and it ws about us.I decide to text james through my daily free textbakmolibreko from globe. the day continues with a bombardment of his name. I would say everyday was james day if i'm in a selective mode so this day was really different. Vera calls me and tells me she saw him. For a while now I have been living in peace but three hours ago my mind went haywire, depression mode dayun ko. but i'm a bit ok now. Maybe it's the revenge of the repressed "i miss him"'s. hala ka. I hope not. I hope this buddhist thing doesn't adhere to repression. (what's the difference between repression and suppression? naglibog ko.) Maybe I just miss him. Or maybe it's something else. Or maybe I've stretched myslef too far. Maybe I've gone mad or maybe i'm actually learning to breathe.
good night everyone.
the cafe suddenly plays "toxic" by britney.what the hell. Maybe tomorrow there will be no james. I hope it's only for a day. no offense james.
Posted: 5:56 AM
December 10, 2005
MY LOVE FOR YOU REMAINS UNDIMINISHED
COULD IT BE WORSE?
TRACKBACK:
Watched "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire""You look like Daniel Radcliffe"-James NeishWatched "Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros""You were there?"-James Neish"Red Robin's Land/Robin's Red Land" Painting for the 2nd leg of the kabakaba exhibit"Nalingaw ming tanan that you used pubes on your painting"-James NeishWent to Moalboal with Jay. will post pics soon."Wow! For me?" - Sol of Sunshine Pension House"Why do you hate me so much?" -JayFinished Lanterns for Sir Karl"Nindot lagi na Russ noh?"-Sir KarlHad my cards read by Veron"You are the only person so far who got the dark and light cards out"- Veron"Interesting"-VeronMindworks, installation with Janelle of white classroom on grass"Astig Bai"- JanelleMindworks, installation, "The Dogwalk""Sure." -PatMindworks, street painting, "Mon amour pour vous demeure intact""Unsay pasabot ana?" -passerbyMindworks, red performance "mon amour pour vous demeure intact""that was a beautiful red vision russ." -Ms Stela"Your name is RAF? Zat vas a gud performance." -Ingrid HaufeLeft in the middle of the Mindworks Afterparty"Ok ra ka? di ka ganahan sa place?" -ChastityMonggo Day, dressed in drag, got drunk, smoked pot"Sounds like a good high"-James NeishWent to a Vegetarian Cooking Demo hosted by famous photographer Rene Araneta"The arts is more challenging than business"- Rene AranetaBlooged" Pls don't comment on things you have no part of. Unsolicited Advice is unsolicited."-Russ
You've taken so much. You should be ashamed of youself. So is it any worse?
Realize gravity, it's fucking more fucked up than you think. So go, just go. How can I love and yet say this? Because I am still alive and I would want to live even if I love a ghost.
Posted: 2:59 AM
November 28, 2005
Dreams
My ex and i were making out...having fun.. somewhere between that he whispered to me "but things are gonna be different."
I wanted that dream to last longer, like it was real.
Posted: 10:58 PM
1st real entry
Ok. let's start this. Today is the 29th of november and finally I have time( not that I don't) to do this, wherein I have time and I want to do this. I don't know if I'm making sense here...drop it.
So I'm here, and I'm here coz Sir Karl went on a leave therefore we have no classes that is why I'm out here early (or in here) early, I'm in the quiet cafe that I usually go to, not in the ones near school, people are there, people I'm sick of seeing. Persians usually go here and nursing students from the medical university nearby.
I watched Madonna's "Swept Away" this morning and I loved it. It had a rather sad ending sort've like the one in "heaven" but sadder. Guy Ritchie pulled it off. It made me remember how good it was or how good it felt to be in love, and the things you could say and do. Madonna's character said "I love you more than life". But than again the usual aftershock came too, the feeling of a longing. One that can never be sufficed. Deal with it Russ. A loud FUCK in my room. I should start writing prose.
It's been four weeks since I started asking my friends to go out on the weekend nights, it never happened, I liked my first time dancing drunk and wild. I wanted the feeling I got there. Unfortunately I had no one to go with. When finally two of my friends said they were gonna go with me, I got tired of my situation and cancelled. I just got exhausted. I started rationializing things, why it shouldn't really happen in the first place, not with the friends I've got. Vera isn't allowed to stay up late, Chai is chai, Yen is a conservative, and Liyo is too much. I have to find another set to go with then but where? Isn't it a bit too late to do that? Crap.
So my cousin is staying in my room until the first week of December. She's taking her fourth(think) licensure exam for her nursing career.
The red painting is still in progress. I wish there was another exhibit I could join instead of this...I don't want to be in it but I need it.
what does "parfeit" mean?
Ok. Just read the exhibit e-mail. I really don't want to be in this exhibit anymore . Still, I have no choice, I haven't been doing anything substantial in my artistic career lately so I have to. And of course I'm gay and all that and we need to do that but I'm sorry to say I'm past that already. Being gay isn't so great anyway, it's just another way of saying you're alive...you still have to deal with fucking everything.
Vera asked "what time?" when I talked to her about my @#%&* love life concerning the time apart thing to "move on" or "get over". As if it's gonna happen anyway. So I leave it there. Bahala na. It stayed for a fucked up two years, how's it gonna disappear in 2 or 3 months. Utterly absurd. Just stop caring. Put it in a box and hide it in the deepest deserted corner in my head. I know I can't get rid of it so I'll keep it and hide it instead, that way I won't need to deal with it.
I wish things were better.
Readruss won't be operational for a while.
I'll put my Christmas want list as my last post.
I don't think I'm done yet...wait.
I am angry. I am angry because of a lot of things. And when I say it or act on it, I am evil. And they tell me it's not unfair.
Posted: 10:21 PM
November 21, 2005
Hello
