I woke up with a sense of relief, having made a firm decision for once in my life. I headed out after lunch to paint at school. I only made it as far as applying the primer on cut plywood. After that I got tired, woke up to a band practice and with a fever. I am getting unhealthier by the minute. I rarely eat. Yesterday, I ate no more than half a cup of rice and some vegetables. I take no food supplements. I don't drink milk at night or in the morning anymore. I have no stock of canned goods or pasta. No flavored oatmeal, no salad veggies.
There are 8 people in this house, 2 of them children and the other six are either fighting or indifferent toward each other. I do not know where to put myself amidst all this, I try to keep in mind two things most important that I accomplish, schoolwork and work-work. I am so thin now. I thought the haircut would make my face look like it has more flesh than it really has but it only made me look smaller. I am weak, it is raining and I'm sick. I wish that was all but on top of that I feel so singular and utterly forgotten. I don't know why. I find no comfort here or anywhere. Chai has gone to Manila for her tests. Liyo is always out with July. Vera has two jobs to attend to and Yen is busy being a sister and provider. What am I doing...
I am totally totally unmotivated. My physical strength has all but depleted, I get tired more than I work. I cannot cry nor can I laugh and feel it in my gut. I guess I should come up with my own good things to tell myself. Nobody's available or allowed to tell me something good. Send my foul carcass to the abyss and let it rest or throw me into wet cultivated soil and let roses grow on my remains. Let some good come out of me. What else is there?
