So I stare and read and read and stare, I could not see the picture. What am I doing... I've just woken up to a room full of emptiness. I used to dance. Little by little, the "me"ness in things have slowly faded. I once held on to a very famous wise man's words "...and when you have nothing, you will have me." I held on to that when I broke away from one of the many diverse churches that followed him and decided to follow my heart. I did and stuck to it but again I feel like I have failed myself and put a smile on those twisted evil hypocrites I used to call friends. He's gonna be so broken, he's gonna come crawling back. Then I find myself singing "show me forgiveness", I believe I'm not singing it to God but to myself and the people I have failed. Meeting Edwin made me realize how insanely difficult it is for me to believe in anything good people say about me where before somebody once prophesied to me that my faith was beyond measure. Who then could awaken that faith again? What? I still feel(I think), my sullen heart continues to bleed, pumping out plasma out of my system and I can see the blood dripping spilling on the floor, completely utterly wasted. I look at it like how I first saw blood from a cut I made on myself, I look at it as though it was a beautiful thing, blood gushing out of me, oblivious of the life-force contained in it. No, I am numb, numb as my six-year old hands holding plastic bags of ice, walking home and looking forward to that one glass of coke, and maybe some more if ma or pa didn't drink their share. In my solitude, I cannot cry as much as I used to, I look at my nephew and neice and see nothing but the harm that is yet to be done to them, not that my nephew isn't already twisted. I wish I could see a bright future for them in this household. I wish I could tell them that it's ok to be different. Because it's not.
I stared and I read and read and stared. I could not see the picture, only a red x on the upper left corner of the rectangle. And it has brought me writing a long one as well.
